I Break My Heart First

I feel it. I always feel it. It's like the calm before the storm type of feel. It's like watching something in slow motion before the tragedy is about to happen, and you actually see it's happening, but you act like you don't and you slowly brace yourself. Waiting...until the crash. I know what the breakdown of a friendship walking away looks like, feels like, and tastes like.

I'm acquainted with it.

It's the slow dissolving away of conversations. The short answered responses if none at all. It's the slow taking away of things. It's the aggravation in the voice when questions are asked. It's the unavailability when there was always availability. It's the change of admiration into none at all. It's the breakdown of communication, which eventually breaks the tie, and finally removes the association. It's the look and sound of disgust in the corner of one's eyes or in the flow of conversation.

Hurt doesn't it? Cause there's nothing you can do about it.

Well, I've cured myself of such pain, and have invented my own tailored made remedy.

I break my heart (ego) first.

I do it with no hesitation. No remorse. No thought of future possibilities. No cares. I do it to stay accountable to self. I deal with its slow death, and I plan the funeral when the warning signs start to emerge.

I take notice of when the ego first showed up. I ponder on why it felt as if it was owed something. I realize that it is in those times that I took notice to every single detail of offense to my heart that I overlooked the need of my availability to the universe, to self, and to the mission. Why do I need and crave attachment when I wasn't created for it?

I have learned to destroy my own heart (ego) to protect the  purpose I have. In my studies (Wayne Dyer teachings) I've learned these three things, and I use them when I lose myself in my own human nature. I no longer blame these lessons, but I'm thankful that my journey required them. 

I've learned to 

Shift from the sense of entitlement to radical humility. Let go of attachments. Be curious about my fears and question them. Then eventually let "my fears" go.

No man owes me anything, but to the world I owe who I am. I have learned to give of myself unselfishly without fear of broken heartedness. I have learned that it's ok to be vulnerable, especially when there is such a high reward to be given once it's received. 

I have learned that my broken heart is a gift to others because the more pieces that are broken the more I can give away.

PRESENT LESSONS: I'm "learning" how to be whole until I break this cycle, but for now, I might as well make use of all this brokenness.

So, there you go! This is why I break my heart first.